Everyone’s talking about soccer

Hey, I hear you’re fed up with everyone talking about soccer. I know, right? OK yeah, it’s that World Cup thing that happens every four years or whatever, and sure people in other countries care about it, but come on — it’s BORING. Right? I mean who gives a shit? It’s people you don’t know kicking a ball and scoring almost no points ever. Why won’t people just shut up about it and get back to focusing on more important stuff?

Pictured: more important stuff, apparently.

Pictured: today’s more important stuff, apparently.

Soccer is just that all-inclusive “sport” that kids play before either choosing a real sport like football or basketball, or start power-eating like a real American. Why do we need to be reminded of this dumb ass game every time we drink a Coke or eat a Quarter-Pounder?

Can't I even masturbate in peace?!

Can’t I even masturbate in peace?!

But wait, I guess soccer is sort of getting popular in America now too. You know, like edging out the NBA to take second place. Yeah, but for little kids right? Oh wait, no, for 12-24 year olds? Oh shit, we’re getting into the age bracket where people’s opinions sort of matter!

Sorry, shithead, soccer is pretty fucking popular even in the US, and much like your ass, it’s growing pretty fast. Most likely you don’t like it because not only are they light-years more athletic than you are, they’re smarter too; like top 5 in the general population. And you hate seeing fitter, smarter people do better at life than you, right? Which is why you stick to shitty reality shows.

"But it is the LEARNING channel..."

“But it’s the LEARNING channel…”

Hey cankles: shut up and get over it. Seriously. Soccer is a fucking MASSIVE sport all over the world, aka the place you can’t pick out on a map. The World Cup is going to destroy all TV ratings, and it’s not even close. In fact, your favorite sport football isn’t even in the top 3; it gets beat by glorified track & field and fucking CRICKET. And if that not enough proof, there’s this list that puts football and basketball tied for 9th in global popularity.

Do you understand, you shitdick? Just because your hick neighbors agree that soccer is “fucking gay” doesn’t mean your opinions matter a fraction of an iota in the real world. And if America is all about money, guess where ALL the money is going? The soccer industry could buy American Football to wipe its ridiculously toned ass because worldwide ad spending for the World Cup is going to be around 524 billion dollars.

Yes, it does look like fake money, fucker.

Yes, it does look like fake money, fucker.

To put that in context, the NFL sees about $7 billion because no one outside of the US gives a shit.

So yeah, shut your stupid face. Complaining about everyone liking soccer is like complaining about everyone liking gravity. Just be thankful America hasn’t fully gone insane with it yet like other countries and go hide in your basement apartment eating pint after pint of AmeriCone Dream until the Cup is over. Then you can resume your shitty, worthless “life.”