I’m so single

Hey, are you feeling lonely? That sucks. Everyone on your Facebook feed is posting #selfies of themselves with the love of their life, right? Everywhere you look, couples are holding hands and frolicking down the avenue to go share a root beer float or a vegan salad.

...or worse.

…or worse.

After all, a good 3/4ths of all the people in America are in love to some extent, and you haven’t been on a date since t.A.T.u. was on the radio. I mean, why the hell are you single, right? You’re fairly attractive. You are generally nice. You have really, really funny tweets. Why does stupid, eczema Anne have a boyfriend but you don’t? Why are YOU at home binge watching Mad Men while people are having sex right this very minute?? Where the hell is your The One?!

Ugh, shut up. Stop your fucking whining. All your friends are sick of your lonely shit, and so am I — a fucking blog. Me, I’m sick of it. Guess what, crytard, everyone’s single at some point. That’s the larval state before being not-single, and your sadness is your chrysalis.


This is also exactly what you look like, curled up in your blankets refusing to check your OKCupid inbox.

And maybe you’ll never have anyone. Hell, there are over 100 million adult Americans who are single right now; what makes you so damn special? Because you have a good heart? Fuck that. You don’t. If you did, you’d be volunteering in the Sudan or something instead of drinking a Coke Zero and reading this fucking blog.

Accept it: you’re single right now. Shut up and get over it. Tomorrow, you might not be. Who knows? Who cares? It’s probably your fault anyway. Or society’s. Or luck. Or religion (though that might actually make it worse). Doesn’t matter. Get a hobby. Focus on your job. Raise a fucking cat. People like happy, confident people anyway so when you stop complaining about it, you’ll probably get someone to hold your damp hand during a movie.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Nothing promises you falling in love. The Bible doesn’t. The Constitution doesn’t. Oprah might, but she’s fucking single too (Stedman doesn’t count). If you want it, fine, go for it, but don’t drag your friends and family down with shitty stories of woe. And even if you do find it, statistically you’ll be alone again eventually. And the funny part about that? 71% of divorced adults don’t ever want to get married again after escaping that shit. What the hell did they realize while married?? Shit, soldiers re-up for another tour of Afghanistan more often than that. Brutal.

And you know who really has a reason to complain about being single? How about the 4.1 million single mothers living in poverty? Why don’t you call one of them up and cry to them about not dating? Oh right, you can’t. They cut their cell phone line to feed their fucking starving kids, you shitty whining fuck.

Go date a jagged mirror, you asshole. That’s about as much love you deserve, you stupid entitled shit.