I Have Nothing to Wear

Hey friend. I heard something awful today, can you confirm for me if it’s true? Well I heard that you have nothing to wear. Oh my lord, it’s TRUE? I’m so sorry! That must be so hard! I know, shopping is sooooo tough and nothing fits you right, I know! I totally know. It’s a real, legit problem that sucks so hard, it’s like having your own child burned alive to stoke the fire for your other child to be burned alive.

Lots of Babies - Shut Up And Get Over It

“Ooooo, idea!”

But wait, you’re not being hyperbolic at all, are you? Like, in reality, you actually have an entire fucking walk-in closet full of perfectly wearable clothes, right? Oh ok, so you are an exaggerating, Chicken-Little stupid bitch, and in fact, you’re probably the average shitty American who buys 64 new pieces of clothing every fucking year.

Too Much Clothes - Shut Up And Get Over It

Cotton, the fabric of your DEATH. Fruit of the DOOM. GAPing wound. You get the idea, fucker.

You also legit throw out 68 pounds of clothes a year. Not recycle. Not donate (which usually is an awful thing to do). You fucking straight up throw out the weight equivalent of a ten year old orphan in clothes every single year, into the same garbage bin with your cum-tissues and human empathy.

Shut the fuck up about not having clothes to wear. Shut the FUCK UP! You have clothes to wear, you shit bag, and you have more clothes you’re not even wearing than an entire homeless family. 1.5 billion pairs of shoes are just sitting there in closets, doing nothing, much like your entire existence.

Don’t ever say you have nothing to wear, you stupid entitled shitbrick, when a pair of jeans and a five pack of Hanes white t-shirts is all you need for a fucking year.

Slim Shady - Shut Up And Get Over It

Remember when that was in style, fucker?

I wish to God Buffalo Bill were real so he could skin you into a shirt so you could be useful for the first time in your irrelevant fucking life. I wouldn’t even let him lotion your skin, because you don’t deserve any sort of human comfort. So shut the hell up, put on a t-shirt, and go do some good will before your inevitable bacon stroke.