My Phone is So Old

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    What? You still have an iPhone 4? Is that a Droid 3? For fuck’s sake, that is ANCIENT. You’re running Android 2.2?? Holy shit, that is atrocious. Wait, wait, you’re telling me you have an iPhone 3GS but you can’t afford to upgrade to the latest model? Oh my God, that is straight up, with zero exaggeration literally worse than the Armenian Genocide.

    iPhone 3GS

    “Oddly, my texts are just a series of dots and dashes.”

    Or wait, hold on. You are still holding a computer with more processing power than the Apollo moon mission computers, right? Like, literally holding a supercomputer in your fat, baby-soft, probably shit-stained hand? A crazy marvel of technology that technically has more processing power than the Curiosity rover which is currently contributing more to humanity from Mars than you could ever dream of before you Dorito-fart yourself awake from your post-masturbation cat nap?

    Shut Up And Get Over It - Lazy

    “Too…tired…to…whack it…twice…”

    You stupid, lazy, entitled cheese-sack of fucks. Your 6 month old phone is so pants-shittingly advanced that it does the job of $1200 worth of gadgets. It can do the job of 45 different things, which is 46 more jobs than your horrible self can hold down. What’s that extra job? Fuck you, that’s what job.

    Look at this chart:

    Shut Up And Get Over It - Phone Chart

    Do you comprehend how fortunate you are just to have any smart phone? And has a lot more stats on the huge disparity between your priviledged ass and most everyone else in the world. Feel free to visit the site from your broadband enabled wireless magic phone, you whining shit.

    Ah God, you’re such a shit! Shut up, please! If you hate your phone so much, you should donate it up your own asshole if you can tell it apart from your heart, you hopeless fuck. I wish I could reach through this monitor and fingerblast your fucking eye sockets forever.

    You know what? Instead of shelling out three to seven hundred dollars on an upgrade that can take your fucking awful Instagrams of sushi a half second faster than you can now, maybe be a person for once and use that money to buy gadgets that really matter. Like a solar-powered lantern that can help kids with nothing become everything more than you.

    Shut Up And Get Over It - solar powered lantern

    “Woah, their e-reader can bend??”


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      Another Word from Matumbi

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        Hello! Good to see you! Please excuse my appearance. I was going to wear my Sunday best for your arrival, but a vulture tore it the other day when I was lying down breathing shallowly. Haha, I am sure you too have been mistaken for dead by scavenging wild animals many times! The joke is on the vulture, however, as ripping off a piece of my flesh should also take a portion of my malaria. That vulture will surely have a sore liver in the morning! Nearly as sore as mine.

        Anyway, your friend sent you here again so that I might give you another word of encouragement as it still sounds like you are facing some tribulations in your life. I can sympathize. You being much older than I (I am assuming. I do not know how many years I have been alive. Oh, if only my mother and father were here to keep track), you must have seen many more days of trouble than I. Surely you have had those days, like I have, where you have had to consume handfuls of pebbles just to quell the ache in your empty belly, or have had to walk seven miles to a water source when you already have a painful asp bite. I hear you have something called “tap water” but you do not enjoy the taste of it. Haha, I too have retched at bad tasting water! Did yours have a layer of rat feces in it too?

        Do not worry, my friend. The sun will shine tomorrow, and you may become lucky yet again. My luck seems to be changing as well; it turns out my tooth-loss is simply due to malnutrition, and not my advancing diabetes! Haha, my brother shed tears of joy over this. At least, I think they were of joy.

        I must go now. It looks like the militia is doing another sweep of my village so I had better find a good hiding spot before they are all taken. Just remember me, Matumbi, when life is getting you down. Keep your hopes high, even though you are facing many troublesome issues in your life like I am. Perhaps one day, we will both taste meat again! Haha, it is good to have dreams.


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          This App Sucks

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            Hey buddy. I heard you downloaded an app recently for your iPhone, Droid, Windows Phone or Blackberry, and it totally sucks. Eff that! No push notification? No Phone to SD? It hogs RAM and crashes every other time you start it up? Fuck! This app is so shitty, I wish the Android Market would let you rate it brown stars. I hear you man. You get that refund for that asshole shit app.

            "My fart app crashed and it ruined my day!"

            Oh wait. Your app is probably free, right? I mean, because some estimates say that 82% of App Store apps are free. And the Android Market has mostly free apps as well. So you most likely paid zero dollars.

            Equal to your worth in life

            And the 18% of paid apps have an average cost of $1.44. So you are fucking complaining about something that cost you less than basically anything else you’ve spent money on in your lifetime. A fucking bottle of soda is $1.50 these days, but I guess you’d complain about that too.

            Fuck you. In the face. A GPS used to be $100, and now it’s free on your phone. Think about how much you saved on that alone, you entitled brick of shit. You’ll never have to pay for a voice recorder, a note pad, a music player, a newspaper, a photo album, a Gameboy, a camera, a map, a magazine, a remote, or 30 other things that people used to spend their money on. This is fucking MAGIC compared to literally any other year prior to 2007.

            "But not as much magic as stretching dirt soup for four days!" - The '30s

            And there’s just so much money to be made in selling 99 cent apps for the developer, right? Not really. They may get lucky in Apple’s increasingly competitive App Store, but it’s downright awful in Android world. And sometimes they just get flat out screwed. So the new level you really want on that game you play to waste away your shit life? Well the developer can’t afford to work on it anymore. Why don’t you program it? Oh right, because you majored in Creative Writing.

            That way to welfare?

            I wish I had more dicks to fuck you, because FUCK YOU. Shut up! They’re dirt cheap or free. If you don’t like it, don’t use it. Don’t download it. Don’t even fucking have a phone if you’re going to cry out your ass about it. And you know what you can do with the $1.44 you save on each app, besides choke on it? You can go to one of the ten poorest countries in the world and live on it for an entire day.

            #10 Sierra Leone. 53% living on $1.25 a day. Get to #1, then please die.


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              It Is So Hot Out

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                You’re right, it is as hot as balls out these days! I hear you, buddy. It is effing gross outside. Heatwaves! They’re breaking records and straight up murdering people around here. Ugh, there is LITERALLY no relief. I mean, what is this, Africa??

                What is “ice”?

                Well wait, no. I guess it’s not like Africa at all is it, you stupid unrealistic fuck. How much time are you spending outside in the heat again? 15? 30 minutes? It must be rough for you during that transition from being in your air conditioned room, to your air conditioned car/bus/subway, to your air conditioned office. Oh shit, you are getting exposed to MINUTES of discomfort!

                "We are lucky to have casual Fridays here, like you!"

                There isn’t, by chance, a public pool within a five mile radius of you, is there? Or a Starbucks? Or a refrigerator with ice cold bacteria-free water? Or even the ability to wear shorts without causing a religious incident? Oh you have all that? Whew, with such limited resources, it’s a wonder you can survive at all!

                Your shitty ass body is literally swimming in water cleaner than what they get to drink.

                Did a few stupid old people forget to drink enough water and die from the heat? Man that’s tragic. Almost as tragic as the estimated 8 to 18 million infant deaths expected in Africa in the next twenty years due to climate change, right? No. You’re not right. Nothing about your spoiled fucking life is right.

                Fuck you. Drink some free tap water and shut the hell up. You live in a place where this exists, and you should fucking kill yourself for it.


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                  Netflix is Raising Their Prices

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                    First the price of gas. Then Starbucks. Now Netflix??

                    Netfux me in the money hole
                    There, I fixed it for you

                    I’m with you, man. This price hike is outrageous. The unlimited plan went from $10 a month to $16! That is a 60% increase, and damn right we’re getting mad about it. Fuck. That. Shit.

                    Wait. So that is just over 53 cents a day to stream an unlimited amount of Veronica Mars every single damn day, right?

                    Not available on streaming anymore? Back to masturbating to Nancy Drew.

                    And as many DVDs as the government can fly to your doorstep using an airplane. Remember that, ass pimple? The government. Is using airplanes. To deliver. To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar. To your awful face.

                    Oh, you forgot that Netflix has to pay for postage to the US Postal Service that is so cash strapped that it is considering not delivering mail on Saturdays.

                    Fuck you, just fuck you. Stop whining and pay it, we all know you will. You literally have nothing better to do than watch 7 straight hours of Lost with your miserable first-world life, so just pay the damn thing. I mean, what else are you going to do with 53 cents a day. After all, you’d need a whole ‘nuther 40 cents on top of that to, you know, save a child’s life.

                    $28/month? I'd better get unlimited children


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