What? You still have an iPhone 4? Is that a Droid 3? For fuck’s sake, that is ANCIENT. You’re running Android 2.2?? Holy shit, that is atrocious. Wait, wait, you’re telling me you have an iPhone 3GS but you can’t afford to upgrade to the latest model? Oh my God, that is straight up, with zero exaggeration literally worse than the Armenian Genocide.
Or wait, hold on. You are still holding a computer with more processing power than the Apollo moon mission computers, right? Like, literally holding a supercomputer in your fat, baby-soft, probably shit-stained hand? A crazy marvel of technology that technically has more processing power than the Curiosity rover which is currently contributing more to humanity from Mars than you could ever dream of before you Dorito-fart yourself awake from your post-masturbation cat nap?
You stupid, lazy, entitled cheese-sack of fucks. Your 6 month old phone is so pants-shittingly advanced that it does the job of $1200 worth of gadgets. It can do the job of 45 different things, which is 46 more jobs than your horrible self can hold down. What’s that extra job? Fuck you, that’s what job.
Look at this chart:
Do you comprehend how fortunate you are just to have any smart phone? And mobithinking.com has a lot more stats on the huge disparity between your priviledged ass and most everyone else in the world. Feel free to visit the site from your broadband enabled wireless magic phone, you whining shit.
Ah God, you’re such a shit! Shut up, please! If you hate your phone so much, you should donate it up your own asshole if you can tell it apart from your heart, you hopeless fuck. I wish I could reach through this monitor and fingerblast your fucking eye sockets forever.
You know what? Instead of shelling out three to seven hundred dollars on an upgrade that can take your fucking awful Instagrams of sushi a half second faster than you can now, maybe be a person for once and use that money to buy gadgets that really matter. Like a solar-powered lantern that can help kids with nothing become everything more than you.