Everyone’s talking about soccer

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    Hey, I hear you’re fed up with everyone talking about soccer. I know, right? OK yeah, it’s that World Cup thing that happens every four years or whatever, and sure people in other countries care about it, but come on — it’s BORING. Right? I mean who gives a shit? It’s people you don’t know kicking a ball and scoring almost no points ever. Why won’t people just shut up about it and get back to focusing on more important stuff?

    Pictured: more important stuff, apparently.

    Pictured: today’s more important stuff, apparently.

    Soccer is just that all-inclusive “sport” that kids play before either choosing a real sport like football or basketball, or start power-eating like a real American. Why do we need to be reminded of this dumb ass game every time we drink a Coke or eat a Quarter-Pounder?

    Can't I even masturbate in peace?!

    Can’t I even masturbate in peace?!

    But wait, I guess soccer is sort of getting popular in America now too. You know, like edging out the NBA to take second place. Yeah, but for little kids right? Oh wait, no, for 12-24 year olds? Oh shit, we’re getting into the age bracket where people’s opinions sort of matter!

    Sorry, shithead, soccer is pretty fucking popular even in the US, and much like your ass, it’s growing pretty fast. Most likely you don’t like it because not only are they light-years more athletic than you are, they’re smarter too; like top 5 in the general population. And you hate seeing fitter, smarter people do better at life than you, right? Which is why you stick to shitty reality shows.

    "But it is the LEARNING channel..."

    “But it’s the LEARNING channel…”

    Hey cankles: shut up and get over it. Seriously. Soccer is a fucking MASSIVE sport all over the world, aka the place you can’t pick out on a map. The World Cup is going to destroy all TV ratings, and it’s not even close. In fact, your favorite sport football isn’t even in the top 3; it gets beat by glorified track & field and fucking CRICKET. And if that not enough proof, there’s this list that puts football and basketball tied for 9th in global popularity.

    Do you understand, you shitdick? Just because your hick neighbors agree that soccer is “fucking gay” doesn’t mean your opinions matter a fraction of an iota in the real world. And if America is all about money, guess where ALL the money is going? The soccer industry could buy American Football to wipe its ridiculously toned ass because worldwide ad spending for the World Cup is going to be around 524 billion dollars.

    Yes, it does look like fake money, fucker.

    Yes, it does look like fake money, fucker.

    To put that in context, the NFL sees about $7 billion because no one outside of the US gives a shit.

    So yeah, shut your stupid face. Complaining about everyone liking soccer is like complaining about everyone liking gravity. Just be thankful America hasn’t fully gone insane with it yet like other countries and go hide in your basement apartment eating pint after pint of AmeriCone Dream until the Cup is over. Then you can resume your shitty, worthless “life.”


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      I’m so single

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        Hey, are you feeling lonely? That sucks. Everyone on your Facebook feed is posting #selfies of themselves with the love of their life, right? Everywhere you look, couples are holding hands and frolicking down the avenue to go share a root beer float or a vegan salad.

        ...or worse.

        …or worse.

        After all, a good 3/4ths of all the people in America are in love to some extent, and you haven’t been on a date since t.A.T.u. was on the radio. I mean, why the hell are you single, right? You’re fairly attractive. You are generally nice. You have really, really funny tweets. Why does stupid, eczema Anne have a boyfriend but you don’t? Why are YOU at home binge watching Mad Men while people are having sex right this very minute?? Where the hell is your The One?!

        Ugh, shut up. Stop your fucking whining. All your friends are sick of your lonely shit, and so am I — a fucking blog. Me, I’m sick of it. Guess what, crytard, everyone’s single at some point. That’s the larval state before being not-single, and your sadness is your chrysalis.


        This is also exactly what you look like, curled up in your blankets refusing to check your OKCupid inbox.

        And maybe you’ll never have anyone. Hell, there are over 100 million adult Americans who are single right now; what makes you so damn special? Because you have a good heart? Fuck that. You don’t. If you did, you’d be volunteering in the Sudan or something instead of drinking a Coke Zero and reading this fucking blog.

        Accept it: you’re single right now. Shut up and get over it. Tomorrow, you might not be. Who knows? Who cares? It’s probably your fault anyway. Or society’s. Or luck. Or religion (though that might actually make it worse). Doesn’t matter. Get a hobby. Focus on your job. Raise a fucking cat. People like happy, confident people anyway so when you stop complaining about it, you’ll probably get someone to hold your damp hand during a movie.

        Fuck you.

        Fuck you.

        Nothing promises you falling in love. The Bible doesn’t. The Constitution doesn’t. Oprah might, but she’s fucking single too (Stedman doesn’t count). If you want it, fine, go for it, but don’t drag your friends and family down with shitty stories of woe. And even if you do find it, statistically you’ll be alone again eventually. And the funny part about that? 71% of divorced adults don’t ever want to get married again after escaping that shit. What the hell did they realize while married?? Shit, soldiers re-up for another tour of Afghanistan more often than that. Brutal.

        And you know who really has a reason to complain about being single? How about the 4.1 million single mothers living in poverty? Why don’t you call one of them up and cry to them about not dating? Oh right, you can’t. They cut their cell phone line to feed their fucking starving kids, you shitty whining fuck.

        Go date a jagged mirror, you asshole. That’s about as much love you deserve, you stupid entitled shit.


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          A Third Word from Matumbi

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            A Third Word From Matumbi - Shut Up And Get Over It


            Good day, my friend! I am very pleased to see you again. It is incredibly fortunate for both of us to have survived another year of abject hunger, militia skirmishes, and small pox. Ha ha, what are the odds? Oh yes, they are 1 in 2. I am hopeful the survival rate wherever you are is ever so slightly higher!

            I have heard through the trash vine that you have recently been complaining about your life situation and I wanted to take some time away from bleeding internally to give you another word of encouragement. My good friend, obviously I cannot know the hardship of your everyday life. However, I did get word about one of your shipments being late from the Amazon, and I can certainly relate to that. Oh how it pains me, literally, when medical and food aid is delayed! What shipment were you waiting on? An “ironic shirt?” Here, an ironic shirt is “no shirt.” Ha ha! I am cold.

            As hard as your struggles may be, please try your best to keep your hopes high. Often times, I find that hope is all I have left to sustain me during the months with no rain (I used to have hope and love, but I had to barter away love for a sack of grains. This sack was promptly stolen). I know it is easy to complain when your life is this difficult, but I urge you to count what little blessings you may have. For me, these blessings include the remaining vision in one eye and the brief moments when the tse tse flies have had their fill of me. Ha ha! They are hardly ever satiated due to my thin blood!

            I must take my leave now as it seems my entire village is being relocated under the threat of execution. I wonder what garbage heap we will settle upon next! Anyway, keep me, Matumbi, in your thoughts when your life gets this difficult as well. One day, may we both enjoy the purification of two functional kidneys! Haha, dreams!


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              I Have Nothing to Wear

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                Hey friend. I heard something awful today, can you confirm for me if it’s true? Well I heard that you have nothing to wear. Oh my lord, it’s TRUE? I’m so sorry! That must be so hard! I know, shopping is sooooo tough and nothing fits you right, I know! I totally know. It’s a real, legit problem that sucks so hard, it’s like having your own child burned alive to stoke the fire for your other child to be burned alive.

                Lots of Babies - Shut Up And Get Over It

                “Ooooo, idea!”

                But wait, you’re not being hyperbolic at all, are you? Like, in reality, you actually have an entire fucking walk-in closet full of perfectly wearable clothes, right? Oh ok, so you are an exaggerating, Chicken-Little stupid bitch, and in fact, you’re probably the average shitty American who buys 64 new pieces of clothing every fucking year.

                Too Much Clothes - Shut Up And Get Over It

                Cotton, the fabric of your DEATH. Fruit of the DOOM. GAPing wound. You get the idea, fucker.

                You also legit throw out 68 pounds of clothes a year. Not recycle. Not donate (which usually is an awful thing to do). You fucking straight up throw out the weight equivalent of a ten year old orphan in clothes every single year, into the same garbage bin with your cum-tissues and human empathy.

                Shut the fuck up about not having clothes to wear. Shut the FUCK UP! You have clothes to wear, you shit bag, and you have more clothes you’re not even wearing than an entire homeless family. 1.5 billion pairs of shoes are just sitting there in closets, doing nothing, much like your entire existence.

                Don’t ever say you have nothing to wear, you stupid entitled shitbrick, when a pair of jeans and a five pack of Hanes white t-shirts is all you need for a fucking year.

                Slim Shady - Shut Up And Get Over It

                Remember when that was in style, fucker?

                I wish to God Buffalo Bill were real so he could skin you into a shirt so you could be useful for the first time in your irrelevant fucking life. I wouldn’t even let him lotion your skin, because you don’t deserve any sort of human comfort. So shut the hell up, put on a t-shirt, and go do some good will before your inevitable bacon stroke.


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                  You Need to Remove Your Wisdom Teeth

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                    Dude, I just heard. You need to get your wisdom teeth out? Oh man oh man, that is the worst. What? All four? And two are impacted?? Seriously, of COURSE you’re complaining about it. You have every right! It is so going to be the worst thing you or anyone else in history has gone through since the Potato Famine.

                    Shut Up And Get Over It - Wisdom Teeth

                    Open wide and say “Doooooouche.”

                    Well, ok maybe there are things that hurt a tiny bit more. Like child birth. Or a migrane. Or, you know, like stepping on a fucking Lego. Odds are, you never even felt it. According to the AAOMS, most removals are done with little or no pain. You probably got a hefty dose of Novocain or laughing gas or even general anesthesia to ensure you won’t shed a single first-world butter-fat tear from your shitty face.

                    Hey, ever stop to think how incredibly fucking fortunate you are to even have access to this procedure, let alone painkillers strong enough to make it a minor inconvenience between your boredom-gorging sessions? Chew on this, you dickcurd: in Africa the ratio of dentists to people is 1:150,000. Imagine making a dentist appointment for your toothache right around the next Summer Olympics.

                    ChewSticks - Shut Up And Get Over It

                    African toothbrushes. No, fucker, not racist. Literally. Click the picture, prick.

                    Do you understand, do you FUCKING UNDERSTAND how miraculous having access to dentistry whenever the fuck you want it really is? As far as you should be concerned, if you have a dental plan, you’re in the fucking upper 1% no matter how many hacky-sacks you Occupied. You can get codeine. CODEINE for a tooth. “In Canada, your wisdom teeth can get more pain relief than a woman in West Africa suffering from breast cancer,” said someone with more perspective in life than you have fucks to give.

                    God, I hope Dr. StinkFinger fucks up in your mouth so hard that you shit your gums out for days. Shut up, just shut your stupid fucking face. If I could, I would buy you the best dental coverage that exists just so I could kick your teeth in the second you woke up every morning with an infected horse hoof.

                    Scary Tooth Fairy - Shut Up And Get Over It

                    Or at least have your mouth sexually assaulted by this.

                    Maybe, just maybe, see if you can put a smile on someone else’s face for once. Fucker.


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