Another Word from Matumbi

Matumbi

Hello! Good to see you! Please excuse my appearance. I was going to wear my Sunday best for your arrival, but a vulture tore it the other day when I was lying down breathing shallowly. Haha, I am sure you too have been mistaken for dead by scavenging wild animals many times! The joke is on the vulture, however, as ripping off a piece of my flesh should also take a portion of my malaria. That vulture will surely have a sore liver in the morning! Nearly as sore as mine.

Anyway, your friend sent you here again so that I might give you another word of encouragement as it still sounds like you are facing some tribulations in your life. I can sympathize. You being much older than I (I am assuming. I do not know how many years I have been alive. Oh, if only my mother and father were here to keep track), you must have seen many more days of trouble than I. Surely you have had those days, like I have, where you have had to consume handfuls of pebbles just to quell the ache in your empty belly, or have had to walk seven miles to a water source when you already have a painful asp bite. I hear you have something called “tap water” but you do not enjoy the taste of it. Haha, I too have retched at bad tasting water! Did yours have a layer of rat feces in it too?

Do not worry, my friend. The sun will shine tomorrow, and you may become lucky yet again. My luck seems to be changing as well; it turns out my tooth-loss is simply due to malnutrition, and not my advancing diabetes! Haha, my brother shed tears of joy over this. At least, I think they were of joy.

I must go now. It looks like the militia is doing another sweep of my village so I had better find a good hiding spot before they are all taken. Just remember me, Matumbi, when life is getting you down. Keep your hopes high, even though you are facing many troublesome issues in your life like I am. Perhaps one day, we will both taste meat again! Haha, it is good to have dreams.

-Matumbi

This App Sucks

Hey buddy. I heard you downloaded an app recently for your iPhone, Droid, Windows Phone or Blackberry, and it totally sucks. Eff that! No push notification? No Phone to SD? It hogs RAM and crashes every other time you start it up? Fuck! This app is so shitty, I wish the Android Market would let you rate it brown stars. I hear you man. You get that refund for that asshole shit app.

"My fart app crashed and it ruined my day!"

Oh wait. Your app is probably free, right? I mean, because some estimates say that 82% of App Store apps are free. And the Android Market has mostly free apps as well. So you most likely paid zero dollars.

Equal to your worth in life

And the 18% of paid apps have an average cost of $1.44. So you are fucking complaining about something that cost you less than basically anything else you’ve spent money on in your lifetime. A fucking bottle of soda is $1.50 these days, but I guess you’d complain about that too.

Fuck you. In the face. A GPS used to be $100, and now it’s free on your phone. Think about how much you saved on that alone, you entitled brick of shit. You’ll never have to pay for a voice recorder, a note pad, a music player, a newspaper, a photo album, a Gameboy, a camera, a map, a magazine, a remote, or 30 other things that people used to spend their money on. This is fucking MAGIC compared to literally any other year prior to 2007.

"But not as much magic as stretching dirt soup for four days!" - The '30s

And there’s just so much money to be made in selling 99 cent apps for the developer, right? Not really. They may get lucky in Apple’s increasingly competitive App Store, but it’s downright awful in Android world. And sometimes they just get flat out screwed. So the new level you really want on that game you play to waste away your shit life? Well the developer can’t afford to work on it anymore. Why don’t you program it? Oh right, because you majored in Creative Writing.

That way to welfare?

I wish I had more dicks to fuck you, because FUCK YOU. Shut up! They’re dirt cheap or free. If you don’t like it, don’t use it. Don’t download it. Don’t even fucking have a phone if you’re going to cry out your ass about it. And you know what you can do with the $1.44 you save on each app, besides choke on it? You can go to one of the ten poorest countries in the world and live on it for an entire day.

#10 Sierra Leone. 53% living on $1.25 a day. Get to #1, then please die.

-RW!

It Is So Hot Out

You’re right, it is as hot as balls out these days! I hear you, buddy. It is effing gross outside. Heatwaves! They’re breaking records and straight up murdering people around here. Ugh, there is LITERALLY no relief. I mean, what is this, Africa??

What is “ice”?

Well wait, no. I guess it’s not like Africa at all is it, you stupid unrealistic fuck. How much time are you spending outside in the heat again? 15? 30 minutes? It must be rough for you during that transition from being in your air conditioned room, to your air conditioned car/bus/subway, to your air conditioned office. Oh shit, you are getting exposed to MINUTES of discomfort!

"We are lucky to have casual Fridays here, like you!"

There isn’t, by chance, a public pool within a five mile radius of you, is there? Or a Starbucks? Or a refrigerator with ice cold bacteria-free water? Or even the ability to wear shorts without causing a religious incident? Oh you have all that? Whew, with such limited resources, it’s a wonder you can survive at all!

Your shitty ass body is literally swimming in water cleaner than what they get to drink.

Did a few stupid old people forget to drink enough water and die from the heat? Man that’s tragic. Almost as tragic as the estimated 8 to 18 million infant deaths expected in Africa in the next twenty years due to climate change, right? No. You’re not right. Nothing about your spoiled fucking life is right.

Fuck you. Drink some free tap water and shut the hell up. You live in a place where this exists, and you should fucking kill yourself for it.

-RW!

Netflix is Raising Their Prices

First the price of gas. Then Starbucks. Now Netflix??

Netfux me in the money hole
There, I fixed it for you

I’m with you, man. This price hike is outrageous. The unlimited plan went from $10 a month to $16! That is a 60% increase, and damn right we’re getting mad about it. Fuck. That. Shit.

Wait. So that is just over 53 cents a day to stream an unlimited amount of Veronica Mars every single damn day, right?

Not available on streaming anymore? Back to masturbating to Nancy Drew.

And as many DVDs as the government can fly to your doorstep using an airplane. Remember that, ass pimple? The government. Is using airplanes. To deliver. To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar. To your awful face.

Oh, you forgot that Netflix has to pay for postage to the US Postal Service that is so cash strapped that it is considering not delivering mail on Saturdays.

Fuck you, just fuck you. Stop whining and pay it, we all know you will. You literally have nothing better to do than watch 7 straight hours of Lost with your miserable first-world life, so just pay the damn thing. I mean, what else are you going to do with 53 cents a day. After all, you’d need a whole ‘nuther 40 cents on top of that to, you know, save a child’s life.

$28/month? I'd better get unlimited children

-RW!

A Word from Matumbi

Matumbi

Oh hello. I did not see you there – due to having lost 60% of my vision to various eye parasites. Do you have many of those in your drinking/bathing water? Anyway, my name is Matumbi. What is my last name? I am sorry, I did not catch that part when my father was screaming as he was murdered before me by a drug cartel. My mother of course cannot tell me either, having been long kidnapped. That is very good that you have both parents. I hear that you dislike visiting them because they try to give you poor gifts and feed you bland food. Haha, I once did not like a gift my father gave me (it was a Pepsi bottle cap), but now it is all I have left.

Your friend sent you to this site because he or she wanted me to give you words of encouragement as it is clear that your life is troubling you as much as it is troubling me. Not every day is as good for me as seen in the photograph above; not every day do I become fortunate enough to feast on fresh garbage. Often, the garbage is many weeks old. I have heard that you can order a pizza by text message on your phone. Haha, amazing. What is a pizza? And a text message? What is phone? But anyway, let me encourage you! It does become better! For example, if I gather enough copper from discarded air conditioning units in my garbage pile, I should be able to afford another dose of my tuberculosis medication! How many pills did you need to buy to heal from tuberculosis? I bet I can heal faster than you did! Haha!

Sorry, I have to go now. I need to help my brother use the restroom. He has trouble walking ever since the land mine accident. No, no the other land mine accident. But please remember: do not let life get you down. I hear you do have many, many troubles, just like me, but I will be brave if you will be too. Keep smiling and, like me, you may live well into your twenties!

Your friend,
Matumbi